[NEW JOURNAL]
trying out the LEUCHTTURM1917. it opens wide for better drawing/writing.
present day interjection: i still drew during this time period. not so much anymore
2 days vape-free. spokane, WA. seattle headline tmr.
reading:
LOVE IS A DOG FROM HELL bukowski.
the lack of vape + bukowski + inspiring talks with keyan have been making me more productive, happy, and finally feeling out of a depressive funk. though today i had a moment of panic because i was afraid that my upbeat demeanor was signifying a shift into mania and that really scared me.
it starts as a shock, denial, avoidance, extreme envy, a realization idealization, a limerent object, at a distance, an extreme desire to become a part of, to learn a new way of being, it is admiration, it is curiosity. there is annoyance and there is envy. annoyance usually arises from a lack of respect, and envy is a demonstration of true desires and admiration.
i want to suck you dry
i want to be everything
you have to offer.
where does this desire
to become another
come from?
i feel close to you and i don’t even know you. they say when you do what you love people will come to you.
do you remember making
friends with the first
person you could so you
didn’t have to sit
alone?
do you remember copying entire personalities? i like to imagine that ██ █ ████ █████ i would just be preoccupied by hobbies all the time instead of social situations. i definitely do a lot better job at not caring these days. perhaps i should start ingesting some more relatable media.
languish body
give in
make more art
realize
your art is bad
not sure what to
do about that.
self control
you never feel
good about
what you’ve
done.
never feel good about what you’ve done. you always could have ███████ ███ or ran more or sang better or eaten slower or thought more before posting. it seems like everyone understands these struggles except me. i struggle with everything and don’t know where my footing is.
you could have always spoken more precisely or remembered that thing better.
writing has become too
literal again to feel like
sharing.
it all feels embarrassing
again.
people ask me to share
more and respect when
i don’t want to as well.
sonny told me he wants
sloane to be like me
when she grows up. i
couldn’t imagine
feeling that way.
the worst feeling is being early and then ending up late.
no one can take it away
from me.
it’s mine and no one
can take it away from
me. it’s me it’s my
performance it’s my
melody it is my song
and no one can take it
away from me.
you can’t manufacture
emotion.
you don’t need a music
video it speaks for
itself.
08222024
i, alexandria brady, am self employed. i own a business with 2 other people. we are paid from this business twice a month, ████ each time, which totals to ████.
08222024
my rent is ████.
i’ve lost my USC C cable, perhaps my target bag with the bathing suit i need to return.
(i got it when we
thought we were going
to the hot springs)
and my black zip up hoodie.
i hate vegas; i
don’t like the smell,
the cold dark rooms with no windows, everything feels sad dingy and dusty.
why is there no rhyme or reason? why are things always out of control? what will this project become? do i stop wanting again? things are out of my control and i am back to actually having emotions about it.
